Overcoming Introversion in Three Counterintuitive Steps

We live in a society that rewards outgoing people. In her TED Talk "The Power of Introverts," Susan Cain notes this was not always the case, as the drive towards rewarding extroverts began in the twentieth century with the rise of big business. Outgoing people, namely extroverts, get rewarded for their actions. Our society looks for people who are willing to take charge. To paraphrase Cain, even though introverts can solve difficult problems, teachers and counselors encourage extroversion, and introverts can be viewed as problem children. For introverts, this can be a difficult pill to swallow. I should know: I consider myself an introvert. Yes, I can become extroverted in some situations, and people exhibit qualities of both introverts and extroverts. Like many self-proclaimed introverts, however, I can feel drained after going through situations that require me to act like an extrovert. I know leaders who identify as introverts, and this post offers guidelines to help you thrive despite your introversion.

Self-realization: There are times and places for introversion 

After all, introversion is a personality trait, not a disorder or disease. I'll note just like Cain that introversion can be viewed as a disease. I've made this observation out of frustration when I'm unable to get out of my own shell. One should not view introversion as a disease or weakness that should be removed from the body. Rather, the first step an introverted leader takes means that the leader realizes there are times and places for introversion. This is no easy task, as many introverts note that they wish they could control when they must act instead of ruminate on the situation. Look, I go through this myself. Whenever I write an article, I prefer to write in solitude because I can focus my attention on transforming my thoughts onto the screen. Unfortunately, life demands that we address other people's needs, and there exist times when we must put aside the task we feel most important now. Anyone with a family can attest to such situations. For example, I often get home before my wife, so I'm the one who cooks dinner. "I'll wait for dinner to cook," said no hungry person ever, so my priority shifts from writing to cooking when I know my wife is coming home.

Self-reflection: Figure what drives one's introversion.

Ironically, a second step of sorts is to think about why you feel comfortable as an introvert. It could have arisen from a situation you encountered during childhood. For example, when I was in elementary school, my parents owned a time share in Del Mar, California. I met a boy about my age, and I started hanging out with him. I enjoyed spending time with this young man -- almost to the point where I would follow him. Unfortunately, I overheard him talking to his mom about this kid who was clingy and wanted to go wherever he went. I heard what he said, and thought "that sounds just like me, so it must be me." Instead of confronting him and figuring something out, I chose to close myself off and not speak to him again. Not because I felt angry at what he had to say, but because I felt embarrassed for being too close. Thus, introversion became a defense mechanism that I used to shield myself from rejection. Through reflection, you can figure out why you choose introversion, and you must confront your fears even if you fear you will falter. You will face pain and rejection at times. To receive recognition for your leadership skills, you must risk shattering your perceptions that you hold dear. Figuratively speaking, you might feel like you're putting yourself in danger.

Growth-mindset: Be bold through uncomfortable situations

Actions follow reflection. This brings me to a question: once you realize the situation calls for appropriate social behaviors, how do you prepare yourself? Practice, practice, practice! I'm serious. If you feel uncomfortable in situations that demand you shift towards extroversion, you must put yourself in situations that force you to do this.  You can do this in one of many ways, I list a few below:

• Take on stretch assignments in areas outside your current job
• Find a mentor in a position of leadership whose background differs greatly
• Socialize as often as you can.
• Write down your thoughts before attending meetings

As I've discussed in previous articles (why you should do stretch assignments and how you find the best stretch assignments), taking rotations outside your comfort zone force you to directly face your fears. Take on short term projects where you interact with customers or project management. You risk failure if you do not interact with other people. This can feel daunting at first. In fact, I argue that if you do not think "why did I put myself in this situation?" within the first one or two months of a rotation, you do not stretch yourself far enough outside your comfort zone. Something to remember: You lead a team, and your team wants you to succeed. Seek them out for their advice. Seek the manager you report to for advice. It is not weakness to ask for help. As Peter Bregman notes, "needing help — asking for help — is an essential part of being a leader," and the idea that leaders only help others and don't need help themselves is not true. "The reality is that leaders who don’t need help have no one to lead. People feel good when they help. They are inspired when they are needed. They don’t think less of the people they help, they feel more connected." If you want to feel closer to your team, this means you must reach out to them in your time of needs. This will build trust.

Seek your team's feedback: Build their trust while learning to feel comfortable reaching out to them

I believe in the power of mentorship. When I had my first job straight out of college, I did not have a third party to express my concerns. I felt lost in the jungle called a large company. I would wager that extroverts feel the same way when joining a large team. After all, it is human to feel uncomfortable in new situations, and every person's personality consists of a combination of introverted and extroverted traits. Find someone to mentor you even if for your first couple months. In a new situation, a seasoned employee can show you the ropes: forms you need to get processes started, training classes you need, managers who can approve documents such as parts order forms. My point here in seeking out informal mentors is that you can make lasting professional friends who can help you shift from being a new employee to an experienced one. Who knows, maybe you'll return the favor some day.

Of course, a temporary mentor can get you so far. I would suggest that you seek out a leader who can guide and maybe even coach you. This leader should be one level above your current manager. Yes, this can feel uncomfortable especially if your prospective mentor lives directly in your chain of command. However, you will need to report status to managers anyway, so why not seek their advice? Every leader is a person, and they all started somewhere. The CEO of your company, for example, was once an entry-level person who made mistakes and got less then stellar feedback from their managers. However, that CEO stuck through the tough times, learned from their mistakes, and used constructive criticism as opportunities for improvement. Do not fear making mistakes. You will take risks, and you will naturally mess things up. The important thing is for you to share your concerns with a mentor you develop trust with, so they can point out how you can best learn from those situations.

Anita Campbell at American Express notes that "it can be a good idea for you to step out of your comfort zone every now and then." You can do this by socializing with your coworkers. This can take the form of hanging out during lunch or going to happy hours together and schmoozing. Do not be afraid to share personal details about yourself. This will take practice because you might not know how much information is too much. No one wants to know about that large growth on the back of your neck, or your constant indigestion, for example. However, you can talk to them about your hobbies, your family in positive light, exciting things you did last weekend, and so forth. The point here is that you share personal information, so your team feels connected with you, and you with them.

Bonus: Prepare for your meetings by writing down your thoughts.

Before meetings, write down your thoughts. OK, you can think of this as a bonus step: Create a personal agenda of topics you want to discuss to ensure that you address them. I do this whenever I meet with my mentor or a manager. This at the least makes sure that I do not forget to address concerns I might have. When you develop a meeting rhythm with your team, you might find that you might not need to write all your thoughts down. You get into the habit of discussing issues with your team on a regular basis. However, it is a good idea to write down your thoughts before important meetings.

Remember, it is not easy for introverts to become extroverts. It will not happen overnight. Despite what other people say, it is perfectly acceptable for you to be introverted. You should remember, however, that you will need to be outgoing in many situations. I did not explicitly state reasons why you need to be less introverted when needed, as I assume you already know this. For example, you could get passed up for promotions when compared to an outgoing coworker who shows no fears of speaking their mind. If you practice these steps, you will find it easier to reach out and be active in a team. You will make mistakes: I know, I've made mistakes by going back into my comfort zone when I should have asked my program manager and team members questions each day. However, the funny thing about stepping outside of your comfort zone is that you expand it. Just don't forget to stay in that new spot. You will need to continually need to go outside, and you might reach a stage where you look forward to doing that. I wish you the best of luck!

Do you want to learn more about engineering, career advancement, and leadership? Please read my prior posts on this subject:

• How You Can Successfully Propose Your Engineering Projects using Five Principles
• Definitive Guide on Boosting Careers: How to Find Stretch Assignments
• Accelerate your career through stretch assignments 
• How to Market Yourself for Larger Paychecks and Promotions
• How to Evolve Your Stagnant Career towards Exciting Fields in STEM
• How to Turn Cynicism into Positive Action
• Sometimes leadership means cleaning up the mess you created
• Learn from your mistakes to build on your experiences